“Tumaba ka!”: How to deal with toxic titas

Instead of saying, “it’s so nice to see you again”, how does one react when your friend, tita, or lola says words such as “tumaba ka” (you’ve gained weight) right to your face?

This toxic behaviour seems to be more prominent in the Philippines, where someone’s weight seems to be the first, and at times the oft-repeated thing, that people remark on.

The worst thing is that the people who do this are your loved ones, your cherished relative, your best friend, your classmate: the list goes on and on.

None of them seem to realize how hurtful it could be, to have these words repeated with every old acquaintance, with each new interaction.

Is one’s worth really all about whether or not you’ve maintained your high-school, adolescent weight?

Why is it so important to focus on appearance?

No, your life achievements are not necessary here. Apparently, you’ve only “won” if you succeeded in curbing the proliferation of your fat cells.

The importance of a meeting is no longer about being excited to be together again—it has been diminished to a critical judging of weight gained or lost.

It deflates the supposedly ecstatic experience of reunions and get-togethers.

It kills the vibe and the love.

Humour me

One way to deal with toxic comments is to deflect it back with a sense of humour.

Filipino DJ and dancer Fly Lady Di found a way to give it right back to the titas: by filming funny videos about toxic titas on her social media accounts.

A Filipino clothing company, recognizing the trauma of toxic comments, created t-shirts saying “Not today, tita!”.

Various TikTok accounts have made fun of toxic titas, and it has resonated with so many Filipinos.

It’s not your fault

Gaining weight is a complex issue: you may be on drugs that cause you to gain extra weight, it could be your genes, environment, stressors, lack of sleep or perimenopause.

Filipinos, for example, are prone to diabetes, which often cause weight gain with the medicines prescribed.

Perimenopause also plays havoc on a woman’s body, and sometimes, this leads to unwanted pounds.

Choose your words wisely

Words hurt.

Be kind to others and see their worth, not their weight, when you have to say something to them.

Changing this toxic culture starts with you—by being aware of what you say to others, and being careful in what you comment on.

If it’s weight-related, just don’t say anything.

They already know they gained weight. They already know they need to lose weight.

They’ve heard it all before: eat less, exercise more.

But often, it’s not as easy to shed the pounds (or kilos) as you think.

Other things come into play, and they may not be able to shed the weight as quickly as they want to.

Remember, people forget the exact words you said to them, but they’ll always remember how you made them feel.

So titas, not today please.

Not ever.